In middle school, I met who I thought was my best friend FOREVER. We were attached at the hip immediately. We’d stay up late giggling until the sun came up and did everything together. Our firsts were always together.
Smoking our first cigarette, drinking for the first time, and even getting our first tattoos. We got matching tattoos, a symbol that represented “forever.” We just knew we’d grow old together living with too many cats. We joked about it all the time.
But after high school, things got complicated. Her boyfriend didn’t really like me and our lives just started growing apart. Then we had our biggest fight yet, she hung up on me and we haven’t talked since. That was 2011.
It fractured our entire group of friends and they felt like they had to choose sides. I felt more alone and misunderstood than ever before. I was broken.
After thinking about this friendship throughout the years I realize there were many red flags I didn’t even see. Yes, we had so many good times, but if I’m honest, she was a bully at times.
If she didn’t agree with me or what I wanted to do, it was a big deal. She would become super dramatic, so I learned over time to just do whatever she wanted to keep the peace. This dynamic continued to escalate, she would continue to take and take and I finally started waking up and putting my foot down. She didn’t like that.
She then started looking at me as competition, and name-calling started happening more often. If I were to witness one girl treating another girl like she was treating me, I would call it verbal abuse.
The big fight that ended it all was a huge blessing (though I didn’t see that right away). I was so blind to how toxic this friendship really was, and I don’t know, maybe you could be too. Sooo…
Here are 10 subtle signs that you’re in a toxic friendship.
- They’re “smarter than you” — they’re really quick to tell you how you should live your life.
- They’re competitive — they feel bitter when you acquire things they don’t have instead of being happy for you.
- They discredit you — they lack faith in you and belittle your achievements.
- They lack empathy — they don’t feel your pain.
- They don’t feel safe — you don’t feel like you could tell them your biggest dreams.
- They like to gossip — if they could say those things about others, just imagine what they say behind your back.
- They’re self-centered — they offer help when it’s convenient for them, not for you.
- Their life is drama-ville — they thrive off of drama, it’s like a high for them.
- They bully — they say “jokes” that are really hurtful or outright put you down.
- They are stubborn — it’s their way or the highway.
My “BFF” would’ve gotten an 8/10.
Can you relate to this at all?
Have you been in a toxic friendship that felt catty or competitive?
I think we all have. Which is why it’s so hard for us to open our hearts to try it all over again.
This, unfortunately, has been the norm… but why?
We as women have been brainwashed to believe that females are just out to get one another.
And it makes sense if you take a trip down history lane. Not too long ago white men were at the top of the food chain, and women (and people of color) were property.
From a place of survival, we women HAD to side with men. If a woman was acting “out of line” for speaking up and having an opinion, we would’ve had to condemn her with the males (or we could get killed/injured alongside her).
Women hating other women kept men solidly at the top. It was a HUGE benefit to them, so they enforced it. This women-against-women rhetoric has taken many forms, one specifically about our looks and how we now use our bodies as a weapon against one another.
But overall we believe if a woman has what I want then she is taking away from me. She is my competition. And it’s total crap.
There is plenty to go around, and we women are so much stronger TOGETHER. I know this first hand. It took me 5 years after that BFF break up to find a new friend. Life solo just felt safe, so I convinced myself it was better.
But after having Wyatt (my son) it was clear I needed some girlfriends, so I put myself out there. Yes, it was scary. I didn’t want history to repeat itself, but…
I could feel this hole in my heart and no amount of food or wine was going to fill it. I needed to find the courage to find friends again.
But before I did that I had to do the proper healing work.
In the next post, I am going to share with you exactly what I did to heal my heart so I could put myself out there. It’s such a vulnerable process so I needed to make sure past- hurts didn’t get in the way.
Be on the lookout!
Nichole
PS: The Wildly Alive Sisterhood Retreat is a place for you to find life-long friends. It’s a place for women to take a break from their endless to-do lists and recharge by connecting with nature, their bodies and with other women (free of judgment).
Learn more about it here.
