The other day we took Wyatt sledding for his bday with his Aunt and Uncle (we were trying to make it as special as we could given the circumstances) when someone said, “Look at those snowboarders up there — they don’t know what social distancing is.
These little judgmental jabs are showing up all over the place. News anchors, friends, family, and many people on Facebook have a lot to say about other people’s behavior right now.
Now, before I go on. I want to make it uber clear that I’m not dismissing people’s blatant disrespect for others and selfish actions. They are assholes and it’s not cool.
And that’s not what this email is about.
It’s about this knee-jerk reaction to judge others.
If you are at all familiar with Brene Brown’s research, she talks a lot about the mind’s need for a narrative. The mind is ALWAYS looking for a beginning, middle, and end, a hero and a bad guy. Which is why natural disasters and this pandemic is so hard for people, we don’t have anyone to blame.
Keeping that in mind…
When we’re going through something this extreme, it’s going to bring to the surface the ugliest parts of ourselves.
Yes, there is a lot of beauty going on right now that is centered around community and service, but I’m not talking about that.
I’m talking about YOU here.
Your deepest shadows are being triggered right now.
And when that happens it’s extremely easy to start searching for that person, place or thing to blame. You start searching for a narrative instead of doing the deeper work being offered to you.
The harsh judgment swarming our society is suffocating right now.
For example, we threw a little party for Wyatt’s bday (with just his Aunt and Uncle) and I was legit afraid of posting the pictures on Facebook because I thought people would yell at us.
An even better example is what we’re currently going through with Wyatt’s preschool. It’s been open this whole time. Daycares are deemed as an essential business, but we chose to keep him home because Zac was in direct contact with someone who tested positive.
Now after 3-weeks, we’re thinking about taking him back… and I’ve been losing sleep over it.
Why?
Not because we don’t know what to do.
But because I’m afraid of how harshly people will judge us if they find out.
These feelings felt very familiar when we decided to have a homebirth. We were judged and even attacked for our choice on how we birth our own child.
I was discussing this whole daycare thing with a friend the other day and she said, “Just don’t tell anyone.” At first, that felt so relieving, not having to worry about defending my choice… But after sitting with it for a while I was like, “For real? This is what it’s come down to?”
That I have to lie to people?
Even my friends and family?
Just pretend he’s been home?
Really?
I’m sorry, but no. It’s bullshit that people have become THIS righteously-right that I can’t be honest or feel afraid to be.
Again, I know there are those selfish assholes out there, but there are also a lot of people out there just doing the best with their circumstances (that you know NOTHING about).
This is some heavy shit we’re all going through here.
A little compassion would do us all some good.
Before you engage in another post with a picture of people not following “the rules,” I’m inviting you to stop and pause before you start wagging your entitled finger.
You don’t know the whole story.
Yes, they could be being selfish.
Or maybe they…
Had to get out because someone they live with is mentally unstable and abusive.
Are about ready to strangle their kids so they have to bend the rules to stay sane.
Are suffering from severe depression and seeing a friend will help keep them safe.
Are worried about feeding their family on a limited income so they are taking the last 3 bags of rice.
Though it may feel REALLY nice to your ego to point out all the reasons why you’re right and they’re wrong, it’s not contributing to the solution.
It’s a waste of energy.
It’s unnecessary stress.
And bitching about isn’t going to change a damn thing.
Here are 3 things to do when you’re wanting to judge someone:
- Turn off the screen, take a breath and pause.
- Check in with yourself — Yes, what you’re seeing is scaring you. Connect with that scared part of yourself (who’s wanting to fight) and imagine giving her a hug.
- Have a good ugly cry and I guarantee it’s going to make you feel a hell of a lot better than stewing in your anger.
Are you down to lead with compassion? Give me a compassionate ❤️ here.
This is not the place to debate what people should or shouldn’t be doing. If that’s all you got from this email, your ego got in the way of the deeper message. This is about using this pandemic to help you grow into a better person.
Xo,
Nichole
PS: Again, this is not saying that you should be okay with people not quarantine-ing. You are allowed to feel upset with those people, but staying stuck in that upset and judgement is not helping you or the collective either. Being the change you want to see in the world WITHOUT entitlement is what will help us all heal the fastest.
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