For years I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need close friends within my community. “Talkin’ to my besties over the phone is all I need.”
Boy was I wrong. When I was in the depths of new motherhood, floundering in overwhelm it was clear that I needed some friends to lean on. Literally.
So I embarked on an adventure to find “my tribe.”
And since I help women identify the voids in their life that they are filling with food, I shared this with them. To my surprise, almost every single woman said that she was craving more female friends.
Did you know that one of the greatest contributors to our happiness as women, is female relationships?
So if female friendship is so important to our emotional well-being, and so many of us are craving more friends, why do some many women feel like they’re lacking ladies in their life?
Simple, most women believe that making friends should *just happen*.
But the reality is that making friends requires time, focus, energy and a hell of a lot of self love.
In my experience of making new friends, I have discovered 6 key strategies that will help you go from chatting with your cat on Saturday night to having a solid group of soul-nourishing sisters to support you during your highs AND lows.
#1 Accept It Won’t Magically Happen
This was totally me. I just thought the Universe would bring “my tribe” to me when I moved. I didn’t have to lift a finger, it would just happen.
Welp, after 5 years of living in a new place it STILL didn’t happen. I had to accept it wasn’t going to magically happen.
#2 Making Friends Needs to be a Priority
I get it. It may feel like there are more important things to focus on like work, losing weight, and your romantic relationship (or finding one), but believe me, it’s NOT.
Not only is feeling lonely, misunderstood and isolated miserable, but it’s going to affect your happiness at work, your food addictions, and you’ll come off super needy in your other relationships.
I see now how I was expecting Zac to fill the shoes of my girlfriends. So when he didn’t want to have deep, philosophical conversations about life, I got frustrated and annoyed. It wasn’t fair.
You have to make finding friends your #1 priority for a while, and yes you’ll need to shift some priorities around in order to make this happen.
#3 They Call Them Facebook “Friends” for a Reason
Yep. This is exactly how I met some of my ladies — on facebook.
Here’s what I did: In a local Facebook group that I am in, I posted, “Hey, I’m a new mom and floundering over here. I need some mom friends, anyone in the same boat?”
Literally, I was that blunt and simple. The response was overwhelmingly great. (It made me realize how many women out there really are lonely.)
I set a date for drinks and a movie with a group, and from there we all started hooking up with the women we felt most connected to.
Yeah, it took some courage to create that post, and energy to set it up, but it was my priority.
#4 Learn to “Pick Up” Your Friends
Turn on your cool-chick radar whenever you’re out and about. I am always on the lookout for someone I think I’d vibe with.
If I spot someone, I make my move….
“Hey, did you buy those yoga pants here? They’re so cute.”
“Oh, actually I got them online, do you know Fablectics?”
“Yes! No wonder I liked them, I’m a subscriber. I’m Nichole”
“Kara, nice to meet you.”
“How long have you been in the valley”
“Just a few months, I used to live in NYC, but just moved here a few weeks ago.”
“It’s a great place right? If you like hiking I usually go down the street from here on Fridays.”
“That would be awesome!”
Fast forward 6-months and we’re sitting around a campfire, sharing a bottle of wine while admiring the stars.
I also got hit-on once by a woman who I had been following me on social media but didn’t personally know. She liked what I have been posting and asked me if I wanted to do a play date with our kids that are the same age.
#5 Be The Initiator
After you hit-on your new friend, you have to plan coffee the next week, or you’ll lose momentum.
This is where I always got snagged. I thought, “I don’t want to come off desperate and always be the one initiating. If she likes me she’ll text me.”
WRONG. I was taking her lack of communication too personally. I realized that most of the time she was just already busy with her group of friends. I need to go out of my way to plan things with her.
Keep planning things and staying in touch.
#6 Give It Time
I know for me, I really wanted to find a group of women where I felt safe enough to have an ugly cry around, and them not bolt for the door. I wanted a judgment-free place to talk about my deepest fears and biggest dreams, and feel completely supported. And vis-versa.
That kind of depth doesn’t happen overnight, and in the past, if I didn’t feel that initially, I thought she just wasn’t for me. I gave up too early.
It took almost 9 months for me to nurture new friendships to finally create that (it happened last night actually – pic 
?) and it was ABSOLUTELY worth the wait.
Last night we all cried, laughed, ate, drank, yoga(ed), and LOVED up on one another. As we hugged goodbye we all feeling completely understood, accepted and more connected than ever.
You gotta give the friendship time to grow to the depth as some of your childhood friendships.
xo,
Coach Nichole