This picture popped up in my newsfeed from 2016 when Wyatt was six months old and I was barely surviving. I’m exhausted just looking at it.
I was smiling but was far from happy. I was in the depths of first-time motherhood struggle and though I didn’t know it at the time, suffering from postpartum depression.
I remember those foggy mornings like yesterday. Bloodshot eyes, pounding headache and an aching body crying out for more sleep.
4 cups of strong ass coffee were the only thing that could get me going.
Wyatt was waking up every 2-4 hours screaming bloody murder before he fell back asleep…I was always so excited to crawl back into bed, but, in an instant, my stomach would turn and my eyes would well up as I would realize I would be getting up again… very soon.
I wanted to escape my life, even if it was just for a night!
I was desperate for sleep, but when naptime came, I frantically worked. We just bought a house we couldn’t afford so the anxiety, and financial stress powered me through.
I rarely showered, and my self care was non-existent.
My life felt like it was crumbling, including my marriage.
I was barely surviving… and ya know what?
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
There’s a big problem in the wellness industry where they make you think health looks a certain way.
Tall, lean, clear (white) skin, perfect hair, tan body, and fancy workout clothes.
Perfection.
Yeah, {eye roll} that’s what they want you striving for.
It feels very elitist.
This image fills women with shame, drives them into a pan of brownies and leaves them feeling even more discouraged.
I’m here to tell you that health/wellness looks different for every human, and for me, in 2016 being “healthy” was getting through the day without losing my shit…and maybe taking a shower.
Though people like to make you think that they’re peachy-freaking-keen all the time I can promise you THEY’RE NOT.
We’re human. We have an array of emotions and being happy all the time is a facade.
People ask me all the time, “How do you feel so happy and positive all the time?”
It’s because…
I’m not afraid of my rage screaming in my car like a crazy lady.
I’m not afraid of a big ugly cry in the shower echoing down the hallway.
And I’m not afraid to look at my fear when it’s driving me to the wine and say, “NO MORE!”
When I become aware of it, I own it. I welcome it. I feel it.
I don’t judge it or push it away.
The sooner I welcome it in, the faster it shifts, and I start to feel happy again.
I think the reason why I struggled with postpartum depression for as long as I did was because I was afraid to accept how I truly felt.
I was also scared others would judge me for struggling…I mean, I teach self-care!
So, I pushed it down and only focused on the “good days” to convince myself I was okay.
If you’re in survival mode, first off, know it’s OKAY! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Our ancestors were purely surviving for centuries, cut yourself some slack. You’re clearing thousands of years of outdated conditioning.
This is YOUR version of health right now, embrace it.
Then, welcome in alllll the feelings so you can get on the other side sooner than later.
Xo,
Nichole