Feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, and sadness.
(I wrote this post about transitioning into Motherhood. Even if you don’t have children, you will get so much out of reading it. If you’ve ever felt ‘not enough’ — you’ll be able to relate!)
I remember the moment it all hit me. I picked up my phone, and there were pictures of my sister-in-law the day after giving birth. She was glowing. She looked so happy and beautiful holding her new bundle of joy.
As I scrolled through each picture, the jealousy slowly boiled up my spine.
My face started feeling warm.
“UGH!”
I was PISSED!
I blurted out, “The day after I had Wyatt I had two black eyes and my face was the size of a pancake! I couldn’t walk and was so loopy from the drugs that I practically forgot I birthed a child!!!”
“WHY?!”
“WHY DOES SHE GET IT SO EASY?”
“WHY DID SHE GET THE BIRTH I WANTED!?!”
“IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!” I screamed to myself.
Am I just not good enough or something?!
I stormed up to my room to get ready for the day. I was pouting like a 5-year-old throwing a fit. I stomped into the bathroom and aggressively started the shower.
I got in, ran some water over my face and took a few deep breaths… Then I realized what had just occurred.
“Whoa, Nichole… Whoa…”
I stuffed my face in my hands. As I felt the hot water, on the top of my head, I cried the biggest, loudest cry.
I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I thought I had healed from all of this. I thought I had found peace.
Apparently not.
Truth is, I was happy for her. And I would never wish my experience on her… But this was a tipping point for me.
I feel like, ever since I became a mom, women all around me have been popping out kids like it’s no big deal. But not me. Well, I’d struggled. HARD.
There was nothing about becoming a mom that came easy.
Wyatt wouldn’t sleep.
I had no idea what I was doing.
Zac and I were at each other’s throats.
My business was in a nose-dive,
and I felt sad… So very sad.
I’d floundered for a good 9 months before I started to feel like HALF the person I was, before having a child. I thought it was like that for every new mom. And now seeing all of these women *not* struggling (the way I did), felt like a punch in the gut.
So that day, as I scrolled through those pictures, I felt completely inadequate. I reached my breaking point, and I acted out.
I was petrified that if I had more kids, it would be just like before. Merely the thought of it weakened my knees.
I would struggle AGAIN. They would not!
“I’m not strong enough to do it again. I would die.” I thought to myself that day in the shower.
I’m not writing this post to complain, gain sympathy or advice, or make mothers feel bad for having a different experience from mine. I’m sharing because I want you to know — if you are struggling with something (motherhood or beyond) — I FEEL YA.
And, more importantly… Your feelings are valid. ♥
It wasn’t fair to me, to compare my story to others. Or even to compare their strengths against my not-so-strengths 😉 Comparison will kill your soul faster than you can imagine. THAT I know for sure.
The biggest disservice that women do, is talking about the good times, but never mentioning the struggles.
I’m not encouraging us all to sit around and have a bitch fest. But when we are feeling sad, we should have people we can call to talk to about our sadness. It can feel extremely isolating and lonely, to keep it to yourself…
And once you get to that point? Well, if you’re anything like me — that pan of brownies and a bottle of wine doesn’t have a chance!
Thankfully, I have an incredible support system. I reached out almost immediately. I talked and cried. Then I talked and cried some more. …Well, a lot more.
I realized I’m definitely not alone. But most importantly, during this process of reaching out, I gave permission to other women struggling, to speak their truth, too… Which is where the healing process begins.
That’s why I’m sharing my story. My hope is that it will begin the healing process for you, too.
I get it. It’s not easy. But it’s absolutely worth it.
Some people have asked me how I can be so happy all the time. Truth is, I’m happy because I’m not afraid of my sadness.
I no longer run away from it, in my phone, T.V. or into the kitchen. Now, I give myself permission to FEEL it — fully. I validate my feelings (even when they don’t make logical sense), and I talk through my feelings with someone I feel safe with.
I hope this post gives you the courage to do the same.
Obviously, I have more healing work to do. I’ve already scheduled some appointments to support my healing work and I’m really excited about it! I want to see women soar. I want to feel proud and happy for them — not jealous. And I’m sick of my mind defaulting to, “I’m not enough.” every time I get triggered.
I know I won’t feel better until I face up to my OWN stuff. So, I’ll happily continue along my healing journey, enjoying all the lessons along the way.
I hope you’ll join me. 🙂
With so much love,
Coach Nichole